This article was published as a part of The Catch.
The Catch is the April Fool's publication of Walter Johnson High School's student newspaper The Pitch.
Articles published in The Catch are not factual.
As of April 1, the Dictator Perpetuo has been pronounced dead after a March 15 meeting in the Senate led to his assassination by fellow senators. Gaius Julius Caesar died at 55 years old and is survived by his three children and wife. The consequences of this to our political, economic and social climate are unknown at this time.
“This is terribly upsetting. I immensely enjoyed Mr. Caesar’s literature collection and I’m devastated that nothing new will be published. I’m such a fangirl, I’ve even read his work in the original Latin,” Walter Julius High School senior Mackenzie Norris said.
The reasons for the assassination are ambiguous at this time, but quaestor Marcus Junius Brutus deviously implies that this great betrayal was necessary for the protection of the entire country’s reputation. Brutus was one of the primary conspirators in the assassination.
“Yeah, he was a buddy of mine. Some may even say a friend. But this is really just some tough love in the name of all our citizens. We did what had to be done,” Brutus said.
Caesar’s son Octavian, also known as Augustus, is expected to take over as Emperor. The apple may not fall far from the tree however, as Octavian is planning on ushering in new reforms and programs centered around the redistribution of funds across antiquated markets and transfers of population.
“I’m excited for Octavian’s rule. It should be fun to see what changes here,” Walter Julius High School junior Chaden Sheetz said.
In the end, life under Caesar will most definitely be remembered. There was the good, wherein he successfully eliminated unreliable elements along with rectifying frontiers, and the bad, which did indeed include unnecessary pacification of foreign commonwealths.
“Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that’s not what Rome is about,” North Shore High School junior Gretchen Wieners said.
