People will tell you that middle school was the worst years of their life, but for me, high school takes the cake.
When I started high school my best friend dropped me because it was “the end of our chapter,” soon after the rest of the friend group cut ties with me. I didn’t know how to cope, I was already on a high dose of Prozac for my mental health but I decided to rely on more than just my prescribed medication to feel something other than disappointment. My sadness turned into anger which turned into resentment.
Friendships have always been an important part of my life, holding onto these connections is so important to me I often find myself unwilling to let go of a rope that has already been cut.
I built a facade of happiness and spent my time with people I thought I connected with on a deeper level. I thought my mental health was improving, so much so I believed I didn’t need therapy or prozac anymore. My academics suffered, but it didn’t matter because I was happy, in reality I was surviving. Using the word ‘survival’ may seem extreme to some, but looking back on it now I see that’s what it was. I was by myself in the jungle of a school, “friends” only coming when they needed a hit of relief.
This cruising of life was put to a stop, a flip switched in my brain. What once calmed me and “lightened” my load now weighed me down and drowned me in anxiety. I had to stop what I was doing, nothing is worth an overwhelming feeling of dread. All of a sudden, my friends stopped hanging out with me and I was alone once more. A social butterfly becoming a wallflower.
I looked within to find myself once more, I had lost who I was under the piles and piles of unprocessed feelings and experiences. Mrs. Kennedy told me, “the more you avoid something, the harder it is to come back.” With the additional help of my psychiatrist I was able to get back on track. I learned to speak up in the moment before it’s too late because today is a blessing and the future is unknown.
I never expected to feel so alone during senior year, but the issue is not my environment, it is with me. Luckily, I learned from my mistakes and built connections with people through the Pitch that made me feel supported. Even though they don’t know my full backstory I feel comforted knowing that there are people to reach out to, to have a braai or just chat with. I never expected to make it to graduation, yet here I am. I have so much more growing to do and things to let go of, but I am ready for the time to come.
