This article was published as a part of The Catch.
The Catch is the April Fool's publication of Walter Johnson High School's student newspaper The Pitch.
Articles published in The Catch are not factual.
MCPS officials announced on Friday that Charles W. Woodward High School, which is set to reopen in August 2027 after originally closing in 1986, will be officially renamed to O.J. Simpson Memorial High School to honor the late great NFL star.
Wow, talk about an improvement!
The return of Woodward HS, which originally merged with Walter Johnson in the mid-80’s due to a limited student population at the time, has been highly anticipated for several years due to recent overcrowding in many MCPS schools. After this announcement, excitement for the reopening has reached a fever pitch.
The decision to rename the school was suggested soon after Simpson’s passing in April of 2024. According to MCPS officials, the change was made to honor the Pro Hall-of-Famer and Heisman Trophy winner as a role model for all high schoolers.
“This decision comes after almost a year of careful deliberation between myself and my colleagues, in which we decided that the name Charles W. Woodward is totally lame,” MCPS superintendent Thomas W. Taylor said in his announcement on Friday. “Did Charles Woodward ever rush 2000 yards in one season? Didn’t think so. Who even was he? Can someone look that up?”
Despite its obvious merits, the name change has drawn some minor criticism from MCPS parents due to Simpson’s widely televised 1995 trial for the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.
“What? No, that’s stupid. You’re stupid. The name is cool,” Taylor said in response.
The school’s name isn’t all that’s new, however; because Woodward’s original mascot, the Wildcat, was taken by WJ after the two schools merged together in the 80’s, a new mascot has been selected for the school: Willy the White Bronco.
“I couldn’t be more excited to cheer on the Simpson Broncos! Go Broncos! You can outrun anything! Even the cops!” MCPS parent Kathy Hudginson said.
The school’s new building will also boast top-of-the line facilities for its students which are currently under construction, including Aaron Hernandez Football Stadium and R. Kelly Auditorium. According to the school’s website, Simpson STAGE’s first spring musical will be a production of Sweeney Todd.
Simpson Memorial High is also expected to have some of the best teaching staff in Montgomery County. The school is happy to announce that its most recent hire, who is expected to teach Law and AP Government and Politics, is none other than celebrity lawyer and O.J. Simpson defense team member, Alan Dershowitz!
“I’m never going to die! Hahahahahahahaha!!” Dershowitz said.
