This article was published as a part of The Catch.
The Catch is the April Fool's publication of Walter Johnson High School's student newspaper The Pitch.
Articles published in The Catch are not factual.
On Monday, March 31, seniors Pearse Worden and Zein Saleh were attacked by a gaggle of geese, near the long jump sandlot. According to Johns Hopkins Suburban Hospital, Worden sustained a broken tibula, a mild concussion and minor cuts. Saleh suffered a broken clavicle and both are expected to make a full recovery.
Worden, in his last year of high school, is known for his calm demeanor and is regarded as a positive student by his teachers. Recently recovering from a torn meniscus, Worden became a manager instead of a player for the varsity lacrosse team.
Towards the end of their daily practice, Worden was sent out to retrieve the runaway lacrosse balls that had then made their way to the track. As geese often do with the soccer balls that travel towards them, they swarmed the lacrosse balls, mistaking them for eggs.
“It was crazy, I always see them hanging out and I try not to go near them. I reached in to grab the last ball and I just got swarmed,” Worden said. “They wouldn’t stop pecking at me, it was a freak attack.”
Saleh, while hanging out on the field, witnessed the attack and acted quickly. He jumped into action, fending the geese off but suffered from a broken clavicle as a result.
The geese have been a recurring problem for the past couple of years. They are known to terrorize the P.E. classes and the athletic teams and often leave presents for the students in the form of geese droppings, or guano in professional terms.
The geese takeover of the field has been taken to the administration, who are actively working on a solution.
“We’ve got the complaints, we’ve seen the injuries, we can’t have this happen again,” administrator Jesse Loznak said. “We are meeting with Principal Morgan and coordinating with animal control to get this figured out.”
Admin and animal control discussed using grape kool-aid as a deterrent for the geese, a surprising, yet effective repellent.
“I just hope they fix this. Now I’m scared to even go out on to the field. It’s like they’re watching you,” Worden said.
Arnold J Kappeler • Apr 3, 2025 at 8:21 pm
This attack has been in the works for a long time, and is actually part of a broader conspiracy. Ask yourself this – Who did the Softball team curb-stomp, last week, 20-4?
Look no further.