MCPS announced it will close 13 of 25 high schools, including Walter Johnson, starting Tuesday, due to a lack of federal funding caused by cuts by the Department of Governmental Efficiency.

DOGE, as the newly-formed advisory group is commonly known, is led by tech giant Elon Musk, and has rapidly garnered headlines for cuts in other federal agencies like the Department of Health and Human Services, cutting employees, contracts and other wasteful and fraudulent spending. Tasked by President Donald Trump, Musk and his team have rapidly entered agencies and instituted mandatory cuts.

While the Department of Education had already undergone a round of DOGE inspections, MCPS saw its own DOGE task force arrive at Central Offices on Monday, March 31, where inspectors revealed that a large portion of MCPS’ $3.3 billion budget goes to buying snacks and a New York Times Games subscription. DOGE determined that the district could save upwards of $2 billion per year by closing 13 of the district’s 25 high schools.

Of those 25 high schools, DOGE inspectors identified Walter Johnson as one to close due to its extremely poor standardized testing performance and unsafe bathroom conditions. All 3,000 WJ students will be randomly sorted into one of the other 12 remaining high schools.

“Obviously, it sucks we have to do this. But the DOGE presented us with two options: either close the schools or give up our New York Times Games subscriptions. And that was not a hard choice to make,” Superintendent of Schools Dr. Thomas Taylor said.

Other schools on the list to close include Bethesda neighbors like Bethesda-Chevy Chase, Thomas S. Wootton and Richard Montgomery High Schools. Taylor cited overcrowding at these schools as another big reason behind their closure.

“If you’re looking at a school that is overcrowded, what’s the easiest way to solve that without paying for an expensive addition? Just close the school. No more overcrowding,” Taylor explained.

The remaining 13 high schools will each now operate at anywhere between 2000 and 5000 seats over capacity. To account for this, administrators have implemented plans to hold classes in the auditorium, the stadium and on school buses.

“We have this massive fleet of school buses. They cost us a lot of money, but these bus drivers are only getting paid for a couple of hours of work, and the buses sit around most of the day,” MCPS Deputy Chief of Facilities Adnan Mamoom explained. “So to get around this, who better than a part-time bus driver to teach AP-level calc?”

For WJ students, the closure will mean an increase in commute time of anywhere between 10 minutes and five hours, depending on traffic. However, students recognize the importance of the cost-saving measure.

“MCPS provides nothing less than a world-class education. Asking us to take a couple of extra hours per day to get to school is not a big ask, and honestly, I think it builds character,” one WJ student said.

DOGE has also mandated that MCPS close every other middle school and every third elementary school.

“What we are building here is an efficient system. Why have the taxpayers pay for school when the students and their families can do it themselves? Taxpayers save money, families get the schools that they want — it’s the pinnacle of American capitalism,” Musk said. “This way, everyone wins.”

This article was published as a part of The Catch. The Catch is the April Fool’s publication of Walter Johnson High School’s student newspaper The Pitch. Articles published in The Catch are not factual.