The other day I was in a meeting with a representative from Elon University, when he asked me and my fellow students there if we were on Twitter. I, along with one other unfortunate soul, raised my hand. We were outcasts in a cold, Twitter-less world.
The representative then queried as to why students aren’t on Twitter, and a few responded saying that there was Facebook instead. Well, I’m here today to write a thorough and dense manifesto as to why Twitter should be embraced by you, the WJ community.
A common misconception about Twitter is that it’s Facebook without the pictures, that stupid Farmville game and all your near and dear friends. All 657 of them.
I’ll admit that Twitter doesn’t have Farmville. (If that news bums you out, then either you’re a seventh grader masquerading as a ninth grader so you can use Facebook at an earlier age or…just leave.)
But what it does have is status updates. These aren’t just status updates from your dumbass friend Mike that he “loves this weather” or some obscure lyrics from that music-loving wallflower who is superior to you in every way.
Instead of your dumb buddy gabbing about meaningless drivel, you can read celebrities talking about meaningless drivel. A very key distinction.
You can follow the recently unemployed, (“Just spent all day at Legoland. It was so much fun, next time I think I’ll bring my children”) but still hilarious Conan O’Brien? Or get biblical advice, (“THERE IS A GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”) from the toast-giving scumbag Kanye West?
Twitter is not just a way to get a good laugh; it can also be a very good way to get information. You can follow websites you like, or get up-to-date sports news from ESPN. And if you get your friends involved, you can tweet with them too.
But therein lies the problem. Why should I join Twitter if none of my friends are on it? Well…
…Maybe you need some new friends. Some that are more successful and attractive (Harsh, but true). You can follow Bill Gates or Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue’s cover model Brooklyn Decker to hear her ongoing opinions on world affairs.
A direct brush with a celebrity happened to me the other day on Twitter when I read some fuming tweets from the head of an entertainment website I frequent. After the recent Redskins loss to the Texans, he was irate at the Texans coach for calling a timeout before the Redskins’ Graham Gano lined up to attempt the game-winning field goal, “icing the kicker” in the process.
He went on to say Redskins coach Mike Shanahan wouldn’t do the same thing to the Texans’ kicker. However, I knew that Shanahan actually invented this method back in 2007, and I tweeted an article to him from 2007 describing this. He was impressed with my knowledge and we talked Redskins.
A quasi-quasi-quasi internet celebrity head honcho of an Oscar prognosticator website was impressed with me? I could just die. And where else could this connection happen? Only on Twitter.
I realize that Twitter is pretty much a complete and total waste of your time. It shows how sickly obsessed our society is with celebrities. It gives normal folk the idea that people want to hear what they have to say.
You could be planting trees, hitting the books or writing a vampire novel. But I know that none of you will do that in your precious free time. So get off your Facebook, and waste your time with something that matters.
