Pennies. What are they? Useless. You may be saying “What is this guy talking about?” I need you to fricken listen to me! Pennies suck. Who even likes pennies? Dumb people, that’s who. Even homeless people don’t waste their time with pennies. Fun fact: Pennies cost 1.7¢ for the U.S. government to produce. “WHAT!?” (That’s you right now).

Think about the last time a cashier gave you a penny. Tell me you didn’t chuck it on the floor. I thought so. Let’s be real, it takes at least 100 pennies to buy anything these days. The only real use left for pennies is to give them to people to piss them off.
Now you may be saying to yourself, “What about Abe, how else can we commemorate Old Abe?” You god dang silly goose! Abe is on the 5! And he’s happy there. He’s safe.

Also, pennies are ugly. Even the shiniest of pennies are still brown and gross, and when they green after a while it’s even worse.
In this time of political gridlock what we need more than ever is to make some progress, and an issue to unite the country, so what better means than a scapegoat, and what better a scapegoat than everyone’s least favorite disgusting chunk of metal.